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February 3rd, 2003 - renaissance chick's live journal — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
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February 3rd, 2003

anxiety [Feb. 3rd, 2003|07:17 am]
renaissance chick
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |"think too hard" - the Dbs]

i have a problem with anxiety. i am dealing with my problem with anxiety. but i wonder how much of it BC is modelling after me... and how much of it she just biologically inherited.

the night before last, she woke up in the middle of the night. it was BS's turn to go and see what the problem was. when he got there, she merely wanted him there. he explained that it isn't nice to wake us up just to wake us up. if something was wrong, she could certainly call on us for help, but she should not wake us up because her teddy bear fell out of the bed or something similar that she could remedy. she replied that "she was stupid." BS explained that no, she is NOT stupid. so then she replied that "no one loves (her)." BS explained that we love her very, very much. she just need not wake us up in the middle of the night unless she was having trouble, like a nightmare.

last night, she woke me up. first she woke up with a nightmare. flies, she said, were attacking her. could she tell me more, i asked? no, she replied, because if she did, they would hear her talking about them and she would be attacked by the flies some more... then, randomly, she said, "mama, what are we gonna do when the baby comes?" i asked, what do you mean? she merely repeated, "mama, what are we gonna do when the baby comes?" so, i replied, we will welcome him to our family, we will all work together, and we will all love each other very much. she seemed sleepily content, told me she loved me, and fell asleep.

i, of course, then sat awake wondering why my child thinks she is stupid and whether she is afraid about the big change about to happen in her life. do other parents worry like this, or am i merely freaking myself out?

there's a song that my best pal murph put on a mix tape for me about 10 years ago. i am not sure whether she said it directly or indirectly, but it pretty much sums me up in a nutshell. especially in moments like this.

you think too hard, you'll blow yourself in two.Collapse )
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